Harry Snapequestionmarkexclamationpoint
by Mord-Sith Rahl
Summary: My take on the stereotypical Snape-as-Harry's-biological-father story.


Summary: My take on the stereotypical Snape-as-Harry's-biological-father story.

Warning: Language, Child-abuse, and other angsty things...

Disclaimer: I don't own this shite!

HSHS

**Harry Snape?!**

HS

Harry was busy angsting in his room after yet another one of Uncle Vernon's beatings. He was in pain. It hurt. He was hungry too because he had gone the entire summer without anything to eat and he hadn't had anything to drink for four days also, even though that would kill a person but Harry was special and a fighter! So he survived. w00t.

Just as the clock struck twelve an owl flew through the window, even though it previously had bars on it that were supposed to have broken off summer after first year, but Vernon was a douche so he put some more on the window. Anyways, the owl flew through, dropped off a letter, stole some of Hedwig's food and water causing her to have a B.F. (Bitch Fit), and then left again without so much as a thanks. How rude.

Even though he probably had like three broken ribs, a broken arm, a sprained ankle, welts all over his back, and most likely some sort of lung infection Harry hobbled over to the letter because dammit, he was _Harry Potter bitch_!

Opening the letter he saw handwriting that for some reason looked familiar, even though he had _never_ seen it before in his life. But as previous stated he was Harry bloody Potter so he could sense these things.

_My Darling Child Baby Honey Harry_,

the letter began,

_JAMES AIN'T YO' FUCKING DADDY BIOTCH!_

_SEVERUS SNAPE IS YO' FUCKING DADDY HOE!_

_YO' BLEEDIN' NAME IS HARRY SEVERUS SNAPE YOU BLEEDIN' WANKER!_

_HE'S A DEATH EATER SPY AND I'M GOING TO WRITE IT OUT BECAUSE THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY THAT THIS DELAYED LETTER COULD EVER FALL INTO VOLDEMORT'S HANDS, BWAHAHAHAHA!!_

_Your mummy,_

_Lily Evans-Potter-Prince-Snape_

_Ps._

_Love you._

"Woe is me!" Harry exclaimed.

But he accepted it because the familiar handwriting he has never seen before could be no-one's but his long-dead mother, and of course even though it wasn't in the letter Harry knew that the glamours his mother placed on him will slowly fade and then he'll look just like Snape except without the nose because the story's hero can't have a nose the size of bloody Australia.

"SHUT UP BOY, YOU FREAK, GRR!" Uncle Vernon yelled, pounding down the hall, the sound of the clicking locks causing Harry to lose what little blood wasn't currently staining his room and bed. Even though Aunt Petunia had O.C.D. when it came to cleanliness, they didn't care about the horrible stench of blood, vomit, faeces, urine, and whatever else Harry excreted during his angst sessions.

"NO UNCLE PLEASE!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"SHUT UP BITCH!" Vernon yelled backhanding his nephew, most likely sending him crashing into something to cause him to hit his head and all that jazz. w00t.

And so Harry angsted as he was viciously and brutally beaten.

Uncle Vernon 10: Harry Pot--, er Snape 0.

HS

Snape was sitting in the headmaster's office because Albus Dumbledore was fucking kickass, and shouldn't the robes have given a hint?

"Do me a favour and prove to me you are still my little bitch and check on Harry."

Snape did some camera mugging with a sneer in place and his patented look of derision that causes first year Hufflepuffs to cry and Gryffindors to wet themselves...or was it the other way around? Meh. Either way he was tall, dark, and snarky. That's why everyone loves him.

"I will not do this."

"Yes you will because you're my little bitch and I will vaguely blackmail you about it that isn't really all that vague and then I shall tell you that if you only gave Harry a chance you could become very close, but hopefully not too close because this is a father-son story and not a slash."

"I hate Potter."

"Yup. Now go save him because my Dumbly-sense is tingling and I have a feeling I should suddenly listen to his pleas to stay here for the summer."

"I will resent you for this."

"No you won't, but if it makes you feel better you can curse my fake senile ways."

"Curse your fake senile ways!"

And so Snape left without further ado to go pick up Potter even though he hated him, and Dumbledore smiled serenely and sucked on a Sherbet lemon. Bastard.

HS

"All these houses look alike," Snape grumbled to himself as he made himself invisible whilst walking down Privet Drive. "Ah-hah! Number 4, I have you now!"

Walking inside the house because a door opening and closing by itself during the middle of the night makes perfect sense, as well as the magic used in a house where an under-aged wizard lives. _Peeerrrfect sense_.

"Look, a cupboard! Look, pictures of a whale...oh wait...that's a kid. Poor bastard. Look, stairs! Look, a door with locks all over it!"

Walking inside the room Snape was in horror at finding the saviour of a world apparently completely devoid of common sense in such a position.

le gasp!

"I have you now Harry, don't worry!" Snape proclaimed before whisking Harry away, but not before grabbing this conveniently placed letter written in his beloved Lily's hand. He would violate the boy's privacy (because Harry violated his, and even though the boy is horribly abused, unloved, neglected, etc makes no difference Snape still hates him, _really_ he does, so stop giving him that look now!) and read the letter later.

HS

Harry woke up in his own bed in the infirmary at Hogwarts and blinked at bright lights, searched for his glasses, angsted about Sirius's death being his fault and all sorts of suicidal thoughts and the fact that his father hates him, and then very nearly wet himself to find his father sitting in a chair by his bed, holding his mum's letter in his hand.

"Professor!"

"Son!"

"Father!"

"My little boy!"

"Daddy!"

Snape moved to hug Harry, but being the abused little shit that he was Harry flinched away. Snape is hurt but doesn't show it because he was abused too !

"I love you Son!"

"I love you too Dad! And I'm suddenly going to become best friends with Draco!"

"Hell, I might even adopt him!"

Father and son hug, but then Death Eaters attack Hogsmeade.

"Stay here Son!"

"But I can help!"

"No! Stay here!" Snape then swooshed out of the room.

"He's going to hate me and take me back to the Dursleys but I must help!" So even though he was stick fucked up, because he was so fucked up to begin with that not even Madam Pomfrey and magic could heal him all the way just then, and he probably still had to have a cast because he couldn't have too much magic or potions in his systems, he joined the fray.

HS

"Harry, I'm here!" Voldemort called.

"So am I snake-faced bastard!" Harry yelled as he whipped off James's invisibility cloak.

"Harry!" Ron, and Hermione, and Ginny whom he had a crush on, and Luna, and Neville, and Snape, and Dumbledore, and...well fuck it, _everyone_ yelled.

"Avada Kedavra!"

"Expelliarmus!"

Voldemort's spell rebounds and hits him. Now he's dead.

w00t.

"Harry!" Snape frowned.

"Woe is me!"

Everybody angsts for a moment, the truth comes out, Ron is pissed off at first but then comes around whilst Hermione accepts it because it makes her friend happy, and Ginny starts snogging the hell out of him.

"Don't hate me, hurt me, hit me, beat me, send me back, and all this other bad stuff to me Dad Professor Snape Sir!" Harry cries.

"I could never do that to you my darling son!" Snape cries.

Both cry.

And hug.

And Draco joins the hug.

Everybody starts hugging then.

And then Dumbledore offers everyone a Sherbet lemon.

"We don't want your damned roofie candy Albus!" McGonagall shouts.

"Aww, Gellert did!" Dumbledore sobs.

"I'm sorry Albus my love!" Gellert Grindelwald cries out, suddenly appearing out of nowhere. "Do you forgive me!"

"Of course baby!"

Harry watches disgusted as two old men start snogging. "Dude, this isn't part of Sevituses or Severituses or whatever the fuck they're called. What the fuck!"

"HEY! Aren't I supposed to bloody be part of this story!" Remus exclaimed.

"Shut up and kiss me, marry me, sex me you hot werewolf you!" Tonks exclaimed back.

They start snogging.

Ron and Hermione then start snogging as well.

Everyone starts snogging.

Harry turns to Snape. "I love you Dad!"

"I love you too Son!"

They hug and cry and weep and sob and utterly angst but it's all right because suddenly Lily appears!

"Lily!"

"Mum!"

"Severus! Harry!"

And then Snape and Lily snog.

"I guess I _am_ loved, and I _do_ have a family!" Harry exclaims, suddenly happy.

The three of them head off into the sunset, or perhaps down into the dungeons, it doesn't really matter. Point is, this story is OVER!

**The End Bitches**.

w00t.


End file.
